What a wonderful world…

After 8 hours of class and a 90 minute drive to Bethlehem (yes, there is a down called that…and instead of Cows on Parade or Painted Ponies, they have decorated donkeys…) this is what greeted me (next to the smiling face of J of course). Am I not the luckiest young lady alive?

This is all so strange and foreign to me…why?

I am not the type of person to have long term (ie, more than 2 or 3 months) relationships. I’ve found that I tend to date two types of people.

One type is the obsessive person, someone with an addictive personality. For example, N. My sophomore year of college, I met him while starring in the Hobbit (oh yes, I played Bilbo Baggins…no joke). We ate lunch together, hung out, ate dinner, went to rehearsal, I went to his room, walked home at 2 or 3am…then slept, went to class, and started over again. If we didn’t see each other for an hour or two, I’d have dozens of IMs to my away messages, and a few voicemails. Too much time apart would have him going nuts. Eventually, it got to the point he was stalking me. I attract addictive personalities. Case in point 2 – the derby girl with whom I hooked up once or twice, and who assumed we were set for a long term relationship.

The other type of person I tend to attract is the “I could care less…but you’ll do” type. They’re the ones that settle for me until something better comes along. Like A, who I was kind of dating on and off Dec 05-Mar 06…he would hang out with me (and fuck me, of course), if I drove 90 minutes to Denver to his apartment. He’d go out with me if I drove and paid. He’d call occasionally, but it was mostly for booty calls. Then there was the “oh, PS, I’ve been seeing/fucking someone else for the past month…so I can’t see you anymore” spiel (which was right before the “I don’t believe sexual assault exists, rape is only done by strangers and is vaginal-penile, and domestic violence is only physical, never mental, emotional, or threats” conversation). He didn’t want to be with *me* per se, he wanted to be with someone until he could upgrade to the model he wanted.

For what I think is the first time in my life, I am with someone because we legitimately like each other. When J calls me, I’m not super suprised because I’m not used to being called, nor do I panic because I’m scared I’m being stalked. My heart skips a beat not because I’m anxious about having to answer the phone, and not because I’m scared they’ve found someone better and are going to break up with me, but because I genuinely want to talk to J. I want to know how work was, and what happened during the day…and I want to tell J about my day too. I called J sweetie the other day by accident, and panicked, and was like “is that ok that I just called you that?” because I just don’t do that. But I did, and J was ok with it, and to be honest, it felt ok.

I’m nervous, because this is an uncharted area for me. By this point, I’m either trying to get out of my relationship (or am already out), or am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never have had to think ahead, never have ever really wanted to. I feel like I’m sailing off the edge of the world (and after POTC 3, we know that exists) and I’m not too scared. Whatever happens will happen, but at least I know that somewhere deep inside, I have the capacity and desire to commit to someone…and that people can like me without being too intense, and that I don’t have to be the person people “just settle for” – for once, someone likes me for me.

I’m nervous, but I’m not scared. I’m excited to see what the future holds.